Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
